Boundaries get a bad reputation in a lot of faith spaces, treated as a polite word for selfishness or a lack of grace. But look at Jesus’s own life and the pattern is right there. He withdrew from crowds to pray alone. He said no. He didn’t heal everyone in every town He passed through. Setting a limit and loving someone well were never opposites, and understanding that difference tends to change how people approach their closest relationships.
What a boundary actually is.
A limit. It really is just that—an agreement that you make to defend your time, your emotional capability, your own spirit, within a relationship. It’s not a wall to keep people out, more like a fence with a gate. It establishes boundaries between the two of you so that you can have a relationship that is honest rather than one person passively taking in the other person’s needs.
A few examples of what that looks like:
- Saying no without three paragraphs of justification attached
- Ending a conversation once it’s turned disrespectful
- Not answering every call the second it comes in
- Naming a limit honestly instead of agreeing and resenting it later
- Guarding time for rest and prayer, even when someone else wants it
Guarding your heart takes more than good intentions.
Proverbs 4:23 says to guard your heart, since everything flows from it. Guarding requires a decision about what gets access and what doesn’t. Leave the gate open to everything, every demand, every draining relationship, every person who’s never once asked what you actually have to give, and eventually there’s nothing left to guard.
Where does the confusion with selfishness come from?
A lot of people grew up being taught that a good friend, spouse, or family member says yes without complaint.
That teaching usually comes from a good place. What it leaves behind is people with no language for their own limits, and often no sense that they’re even allowed to have any. Resentment builds instead, dressed up as patience, someone smiling on the outside and running on fumes underneath.
Mark 12:31 says to love your neighbor as yourself. That last part, as yourself, is doing real work in that sentence.
What happens when there aren’t any limits at all?
A familiar pattern shows up in relationships without boundaries. One person gives, the other takes, and eventually the giving side runs dry, sometimes quietly, sometimes in a way that does more damage than a boundary ever would have. Chronic overextension shows up in the body too, exhaustion, anxiety, a short fuse, and for a lot of people, a flatness in their faith life, going through the motions without feeling much underneath it.
No two boundaries look the same.
A boundary with a parent is not like a boundary with a spouse, and not like a boundary with a friend who calls if they get in trouble every week. What remains constant amidst all of this is honesty rather than people-pleasing; and enough trust in the relationship that the ability to say no to one thing allows for an actual yes to another.
None of this is easy to figure out on one’s own, particularly if one has never seen boundaries modeled, or if one feels a tinge of guilt the first time he or she attempts to put one in place. This is where impartial support can make a difference, rather than by handing out a script to follow, it is in understanding where the problem lies.
Your peace is worth protecting and you don’t have to figure out how alone.
For Your Smile Christian Counseling combines biblical truth with psychological insight to help you build healthier relationships and a steadier sense of self.
Dr. Lakesha Dean brings over 15 years of combined experience and education in Christian counseling and guidance.
She does not provide licensed clinical psychotherapy or diagnosis so clients needing licensed clinical mental health services will be referred to an appropriate professional.
Call (912) 891-4000 or visit foryoursmile.org to schedule a consultation.
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